I'm Back!

It has been an incredibly long time since I have posted anything about me or my life.  So much has happened since I first created this blog.  I’m a single mom now, my husband filed for a divorce in September 2016.  I have two children, J and L, who light up my life and keep me on my toes.  I moved back to my hometown to be closer to my parents.  I graduated college with a Bachelor’s degree and now work for a financial planning company.

Those are just the superficial things.  More has happened inside of me.  As I’ve looked at the course my life has taken I honestly never thought I would be here.  I never wanted to be divorced, I never wanted to work from home, I never wanted to move back to my hometown.  Despite my desire for the perfect family and perfect life, I find myself in a different situation and guess what?!  I’m happier than I’ve ever been.  I’ve never felt so full of joy and gratitude.  I’ve never thought the world was so bright before.

With the step to separate myself from my toxic husband, I have liberated my spirit and I fly free!  I was married to him for 4 years and during that time I progressively lost myself—who I was, what I liked, what my dreams were, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, everything!  My life and soul were consumed with worrying about my family and trying to fix my marriage.  I spent years “improving” with no actual results because of how twisted my marriage was.  Now that I do not have the day to day struggle, I find that there are pieces of me that I haven’t seen in ages that are reappearing.

On the outside I look like a young mom who is perhaps haggard and stretched but still relatively happy.  I look like I’ve got things handled and that I’ve transitioned into the single mom role with grace.  I imagine that I look like I have everything under control.  That’s certainly not how it feels!  Being a mom is difficult; being a single mom is even more so.  J is 2.5 years and L is 10 months.  I can’t keep up with them.  They literally run circles around me and pull my hair out for me!  I’m often at the end of my rope by the end of the day and still have to find more rope because I have more things to do PLUS a night of multiple wakings to get through.  I am a mom.

However, on the inside, I am in full bloom!  I can sing again!  My love for dancing has resurfaced with all of its untrained glory!  I feel my adventurous, vivacious, silly side reappearing.  I want to try new things and retry the old things I used to love.  I feel my confidence coming back to me in great strides and that makes me want to aim high.  I feel a renewed sense of life return to me and push me toward doing things I’ve always wanted to do and becoming who I’ve always wanted to be.  My divorce has been a catalyst to loving myself and opening my arms to living again.  To me, that’s pretty amazing and I want to shout it from the rooftops! 

I AM FREE!!!!  I AM EXCITED TO BE ME!!!!

Parenting: Protect Your "Peeps"!

                Like any good parent, you are constantly aware of dangers that might affect the well-being of your child.  You don’t let him cross the busy street without you.  You keep all the small, hard to swallow objects out of her reach.  But what if the danger was less obvious?  How would you protect your child from something that you don’t always pick up on?  Would you finally admit defeat or would you work even harder to be cautious and aware?

                There is a danger that often makes its way past the ever-watchful eye of good parents.  It enters homes hiding in books, wafting through music, and displaying itself casually in movies and on internet websites.  These subtle entrances make it difficult to catch but the quality of media that enters your home is nonetheless important to look for.

                Many of you are saying to yourself that your children aren’t exposed to the worst things like violence or sex or drugs.  Children’s programs on television are safe; they’re geared to educate children, right?  And you never let them watch your “adult” shows because you don’t want them to know about adult themes yet.  You buy all their books and you are usually in control of the radio in the car.  There’s no possible way that media containing unworthy material is entering your children’s lives.  You’re there; you’re on top of this.

                You, as the parent, could run yourself ragged keeping your children from poor media quality.  Don’t be fooled into thinking that your children are protected.  In a 2011 study adolescents were interviewed on whether or not they sought out sexual content.  The adolescents ages ranged from 13 to 18 years old and over half of them went seeking for sexual content!  Their primary forms to gain this content were movies, television, and internet websites.  These modes of entertainment are incredibly hard to censure because of their easy accessibility.  So difficult, in fact, that occasionally you and I miss the danger entirely as it presents inappropriate material like verbal abuse and physical violence.

                Think back to the last movie you watched.  Was anyone hurt physically or emotionally?  Do you remember if the characters did anything more intimate than holding hands?  What about their topic of discussion and their language?  Was it vulgar and derogatory or uplifting of others?  Can you see how easily the quality of our media can plummet without us even realizing it is happening?  So, now that we know, what do we do?  How do we protect ourselves and our families from this constant and sly onslaught? 

Limit Free Time

                In 2010, the Kaiser Family Foundation compiled a large amount of data on media in the lives of children.  They found that when children don’t have any media rules, they spend about 13 hours interacting with media in any given day (this is for combined media usage, i.e. surfing the internet plus watching television., etc.) compared to 10 hours for those children who do have some media rules.  While this isn’t a huge change, it does show that parents are more involved in their children’s lives.  By limiting the time that children use media, we’re also limiting what they have time to view.  Parents and caregivers can do better at enforcing media usage and content on all devices, from cell phones and laptops to iPods and televisions. 

Keep it Public

                Growing up my parents always made sure there was a space in public areas for the television and computer.  They did this because they didn’t want us to be tempted to view inappropriate material.  However, it seems like this trend is no longer very popular.  According to the Kaiser Family Foundation data set from above, 71% of all 8- to 18-year-olds had their own TV in their rooms as well as having video games, cable, or even a computer with internet access.   This trend has increased even more since the study was done in 2010.  With “private” and “personal” televisions and computers, parents may feel that their children will exercise wisdom in their use.  However, unless children are raised knowing what is good for them to view and what is not, they are not capable of monitoring their own intake of media.  Parents have a responsibility to do what they can to help children.  Keeping media sources public is one easy way of doing this.

Take Appropriate Public Action

                Television programs often gather data to let them know how many people are watching their shows and how they enjoy them.  We can make it clear through petitions and letters or emails that we do not appreciate nor condone what is being displayed on children’s television and adult programs.  Earlier this year, One Million Moms used their energy to speak out against Disney Channel’s choice to include a lesbian couple on “Good Luck, Charlie”, a popular show on their channel.  People who were against Disney’s decision weren’t afraid or deterred from letting them know exactly what they thought.  Although Disney disregarded their opinions, the group and its supporters continue to do what they can to fight against “trash in today’s media.”  We have an obligation as parents to speak up and speak out against material that we don’t want our children exposed to.

In the End

                I asked you in the beginning what you would do if the danger that threatened your child was less obvious.  I have only suggested a few things to change that can help you help your children.  While these actions may seem small, it’s important that we, as parents, get involved with our children’s lives.  We need to stay alert and take any opportunity that comes our way to protect our children.  It’s up to us to raise them to be good people and we can do this through teaching them about appropriate media and how to manage their own content.  No parent wants to know that they stood by and watched as their children, both young and old, were faced with material and temptations that could have been avoided if a more active role had been taken.

What Are Your Options?

When a woman got pregnant out of wedlock in 1950, she had two realistic options.  The first was to marry the man who impregnated her.  The second was to give birth to the child and put it up for adoption.  There was hardly ever an abortion.  In 2000, when a woman got pregnant out of wedlock abortion became an option along with keeping the baby with or without a husband.  Putting your child up for adoption didn't seem like the best thing to do anymore.  

While there has been a move towards adoption once more, there is still the threat of abortion.  "3 out of 10 women in the U.S. have an abortion by the time they are 45 years old."  (Planned Parenthood)  That's a surprising number when coupled with this statistic from Minnesota Citizens Concerned for Life's website:  "One baby is aborted every 26 seconds in the United States alone."  If these figures are true then there are many babies dying every year because they are unwanted.

Why might a mother not want her baby?  As a class we came up with a woman not wanting the physical changes that come with birth.  These changes happen both during the pregnancy as the body makes room for the baby and after the birth when the body has been changed and can't quite recover.  A woman might also wish to keep her sexual activity a secret because she feels she shouldn't be participating in it.  There is also the feeling of a child holding you back.  "74% [of women] say having a baby would interfere with work, school, or other responsibilities.  73% say that they cannot afford to have a child."  (Minnesota)

Having a child is a huge change and the uncertainty can be daunting but abortion isn't the only option when one is undesirably pregnant.  Adoption is a very plausible and selfless option that also allows you to maintain your current lifestyle.  It is an option that can bless others who yearn for children.  While some may say that they don't consider adoption an option because it feels like giving the child away, it is an option because they are giving it away.  They are allowing a person to have a life even if it's not with them.  This link is to a video which features a woman who lived through the abortion process and was put up for adoption.  This woman was able to have a life because the abortion didn't work.  This woman lived happily with parents who love her.

http://www.faithit.com/this-is-what-abortion-looks-like-when-it-doesnt-work-youre-not-gonna-believe-this/

If a woman is committed to giving the child up, I would encourage her to seriously look at adoption as the answer instead of abortion.  Consider what you have to offer the child just by letting it leave until it is delivered.  Think of the unknown good that the baby in your womb could accomplish if it was able to live and thrive into adulthood.  If you feel inept or unable to be a parent, look to others to fill that role who wholeheartedly desire children.

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-topics/pregnancy/thinking-about-abortion-21519.htm

http://www.mccl.org/us-abortion-stats.html

Fatherhood

I found this wonderful article called “The Hidden Benefits of Being an Involved Father” on Education.com written by Garret D. Evans that very nicely outlined the benefits of fatherhood and who they benefit.  This article was split into four sections and I will follow these sections as I talk about what I read.

Benefits for Children

            Fathers who are involved produce higher scores on cognition tests for their children than uninvolved fathers.  Their children are considered smarter and more successful in school because their father is involved.  Being an involved father means that the father is taking action in everything from play to childcare to being there for his child.  Children who have a father like this are more likely to head to college, have greater success in their career, and exhibit “positive child characteristics such as empathy, self-esteem, self-control, psychological well-being, social competence, and life skills” (Evans).

Benefits for Children with Non-resident Fathers

            We know from other studies that divorce has a huge impact on the family, one of which is often the separation of children from their father geographically.  However, this does not mean that fathers should give up contact entirely.  In this article, Evans discusses the benefits that children have from having a dad who maintains contact even if he isn’t living with them.  These kids still have higher grades than kids who have uninvolved fathers.  They have better social skills because they learn to make friends more easily and deal with difficult social interactions.  Children who live separated from their father but stay in contact don’t have as many behavioral problems including those inside the home.  These children, especially the daughters, also have “fewer mental health problems as adults” (Evans).  Fathers are important in a child’s life no matter what the circumstances are.

Benefits for the Family

            Fathers don’t just help their children.  Having them in the home can best display loving and nurturing relationships between spouses/parents.  There is often better communication between family members and the father because he is obviously involved.  There is less distressing conflict with teenage children because there is a solidified relationship between the father and the child.  There is also a greater sense of commitment and harmony in the family when the father is involved.

Benefits for Fathers

             Fathers also benefit from being involved which is wonderful because the best things in life should help everyone.  Fathers seem to be more comfortable and more successful in their work.  They are confidence in their ability to do well at work, in parenting, and in social relationships.  Fathers who are interested and engaged in their family relationships find that they have secure attachments with their children and feel that they can rely on others for help.  They also report an easier time in coping with stress and life’s difficulties.

http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Hidden_Benefits/

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/06/15/fathers-day-question-do-most-men-really-want-to-be-dads-survey-says/

Making Decisions as a Couple

In every intimate relationship there are times when decisions must be made.  There are many processes that people use to make decisions.  Some involve the misuse of power over the others to override their decision-making skills.  Others involve making no decisions and shutting down communication.  However, there is a happy medium that can be found.  Each person can maintain their "power" and still communicate.  Decisions can be made as the two people come together.

Making decisions is not necessarily about finding a compromise.  Compromises are interesting because they involve one person giving in to the other, whether we want to view it that way or not.  When my husband, David, and I come together, I often feel like I'm giving in.  Granted, sometimes I do give in because I love him.  However, that isn't always the case.  Sometimes I want to avoid a fight or just don't have a solid opinion.

Consensus, on the other hand, is about seeking an outcome that satisfies everyone.  No one is meant to feel cheated or undermined when a consensus is reached.  Consensus involves discussion, working through something until all the bits fit together to suit everyone.  There is a joint decision that takes in the opinions and voices of everyone who is involved.  This is the ideal way to come to a decision.

Stephen R. Covey wrote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and his fourth step is "Think Win-Win".  This is the same idea as consensus in that it seeks for cooperation and interaction between people.  Mutual benefit is the end goal and a person strives for integrity, maturity, and an abundance mentality(plenty for everyone).  Remembering our need to be honest with ourselves and with others while expressing ourselves in an orderly fashion is what helps the Win-Win to be so effective.

Russell M. Ballard, a theologian and spiritual leader from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, has explained how couples can be successful in communicating and making decisions.  First, express love and appreciation before even starting.  This lets the couple recognize that each one is important and has something to offer.  It reminds them that they can contribute too because they are appreciated and loved.  Then, pray for the Holy Ghost to descend and lend understanding.  This is important for Christians because we often want to know the will of the Lord on different matters.
Next, be methodical in your approach.  Don't skip corners and stick to boundaries.  Some families/couples get creative and have a talking stick while others just let the person speak without interruption.  It's important to take turns and really listen to what the other is saying.  Be open and honest with one another while still keeping the discussion a discussion.  Don't let hurt feelings or passion shut down the paths of communication.  It's important to keep the lines open and let understanding reign.  Close with a prayer and then continue to build a relationship through talking about other things, expressing more love, or even eating some food.

By following this method and remembering what we know about consensus and compromise, we can make better decisions as a couple in the future.

God's Not Dead

This is a trailer for a movie that looks really great!  I love the story line and the need that this movie will fill in reminding us that God is involved in our lives.  As a Christian, this movie helps me feel courageous and makes me want to share what I believe about God.

God's Not Dead

God's Not Dead: The Song that Inspired the Movie

I know that God is a kind and merciful God whose deepest desire is to bless and love us.  He asks us to do our best in this life and prove our love for Him.  Without God, it is impossible for us to obtain everlasting life.  He sent His son, Jesus Christ to suffer all of our pains, illnesses, heartaches, and afflictions so that Christ could empathize with us perfectly.  (http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/7.11)  There is nothing that he doesn't understand and nothing he can't help us overcome or endure.

God, my heavenly Father, loves me.  He cares about my success.  He will not abandon me or leave me friendless.  I know that God lives!

Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse with God

This is an article written by a Christian theologian.  I found his remarks to be deep and pertinent.

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1992/05/healing-the-tragic-scars-of-abuse

There is a need for the victim to seek complete recovery from abuse in a way that includes the Lord.  Elder Scott has said “unless healed by the Lord, mental, physical, or sexual abuse can cause you serious, enduring consequences.”  If left untreated, these consequences can span from blaming life on others or one’s self to deep emotions like hatred and anger. 

The first step that can be taken towards changing this outcome of unhappiness is recognizing that another person’s unrighteous choices are affecting your life.  This can help a victim understand and cope with their temporary restriction of freedom.  There is always a choice in something that happens to the victim and that is the choice to overcome the results of the abuse.  Controlling one’s thoughts and attitude can make a world of difference as the victim seeks to find opportunities within eternal laws. They can then turn to the gospel and the priesthood to find complete relief. 

                Turning to the bishop is an option for those who have been subjected to abuse.  He is an instrument of God in helping the soul heal.  He can guide us along a path of doctrinal application and deeper understanding of how Heavenly Father works on our behalf.  He can help victims regain self-confidence and self-esteem as well as identify professionals who are best able to help.

                The victim needs to do what they can to stop the abuse and admit to any responsibility in allowing it to happen if there is a need.  Both the victim and the abuser can need forgiveness and forgiveness is available to all who are involved.  The victim also needs to stay away from revenge.  Revenge will not change what happened but will only deepen the cuts.  Trusting in what we know of the Lord as a just God can help us in fighting against our desires for retribution.

                This one was a little hard for me to apply because it seemed very focused on what the victim can do.  I guess the best way to share what I know would be to talk about it and encourage victims to seek the Lord and the gospel for healing when managing the effects of abuse.  I think it’s very easy for us to forget that Father is there to help and to bless us.  As emphasis is put on the power of God, I can help a victim approach her pain and devastation from a better outlook.  

Thoughts on Chapter 15 of Why Does He Do That

https://www.facebook.com/LundyBancroft

This chapter talked about what people can do to empower a victim and spread awareness on domestic violence.  One way that people close to a victim can help is by helping them break out of the thought vortex.  Women in abusive situations often lose sight of what’s truly important because they are so worried about the abuser and how they can make him happy.  The first step is to turn your attention back onto what matters:  you and your children.  One way that the woman can do this is by keeping a journal that talks about her and also documents when he’s doing something that makes her crazy.  This allows the victim to see who she really is and recognize what he is really doing. 

When you are trying to help a victim as an third party, it’s important to not be like an abuser.  This means that you need to consciously make her feel like an equal and let her know that she is in charge.  The abused woman understands the situation better than you do and she needs your patience as she works to navigate through it safely and successfully.  We need to respect her by listening more because it allows her to exert herself and be in control, something she isn’t used to doing with the abuser.  The best measure for success as a third party is helping the woman feel like she has the right to be in charge of her life and helping her think of and implement strategies to make her safe.

The hardest part about being outside of the abuse cycle is helping the victim realize that she is being abused.  It’s important to remember that ultimately she is the one who needs to take action but that she won’t be able to do it alone when the time comes.  You need to stay in her life or at least make it obvious that you are there to help her.  Being a genuine friend is a great way to do this because you show sincere interest and love for her.  She can trust you in emergencies and knows you will treat her well. 

I found this chapter very emboldening because it gave me the desire to stand up and fight against domestic violence.  I want to be involved in everything and learn more so I can teach others about it.  I loved the idea of being trained as a counselor for abusers or for the victim because it allows you to deal one on one with the people who are caught up in domestic violence.  This chapter really just got me excited to share what I know and do more to help those who suffer from domestic violence.

A Minority But No Less Important

Same-sex relationships are often underrepresented in domestic violence data.  I found this story online and decided to share it with you.

http://gmdvp.org/curts-story/

Gary had grown up with a violent atmosphere and was familiar and susceptible to drug abuse and violence.  Gary made Curt feel important and loved.  He gave him purpose in his coming out and made him happy. 

Gary wasn’t the typical abuser because he was also violent to a third party who wasn’t in a relationship with him.  However, this backfired because he was so drunk he couldn’t really do any harm to the coworker. 

Gary was manipulative to Curt, making him miss time with friends, keeping him from ending the relationship, and bouncing back and forth between loving and abusing. 

The relationship really took a turn for the worst when Gary tried to rape Curt on Thanksgiving.  He was threatened with death and managed to talk and soothe his way out of it.  Curt went into hiding by relying on his co-workers and boss for shelter.  He was provided with a month and a half’s time off with paid salary and was able to make his life better again.  Curt maintained contact with Gary intermittently until Gary committed suicide a year and a half after they broke up. 

I was surprised at Curt’s presence of mind when Gary was threatening to kill him.  He calculated how much of a chance he had of escaping and decided it would be better to be let go than to make a run for it.  I think this made a big difference in how the experience played out because it potentially saved his life.  Had he tried to run from Gary, I’m convinced, as was Curt, that Gary would have gone too far and killed him.  His cleverness and calmness that he used to convince Gary that he wouldn’t leave was a great step in easing the tension and interrupting the cycle.

I was also surprised by the fact that there were no shelters that Curt could go to in order to get help.  It seems to me that a men’s shelter should take all men in but, if there is no men’s shelter, there should be segregated quarters of a woman’s shelter to accommodate the few men that come for help.  I was also disappointed by the response of the therapy center.  I think there should be some kind of patient crisis alternatives to protect the patient in dangerous situations.  How is he supposed to get help from professionals if they are unwilling to accommodate him?

I especially liked that he had such a strong support system that he could rely on.  Most victims seem to be cut off from their friends and family so I thought that this was a blessing.  If Curt hadn’t had understanding friends or a supportive boss, he might not have had the same fortunate outcome as he did.

The Effects of Child Abuse and Exposure to Domestic Violence on Adolescent Internalizing and Externalizing Behavior Problems

http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10896-009-9269-9

Most children who have seen domestic violence at any degree have experienced child abuse as well.  This study by Moylan and her group was designed to answer the question:  “Do children who experience exposure to both domestic violence and child abuse have more negative externalized and internalized problems than children who experience one, the other, or neither?”  They knew from previous studies that teens who were abused as children, especially girls, were more likely to experience depression and other internalizing problems.  These children were also more susceptible to externalized behaviors like delinquency and violence.  The all had lower self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and exhibited anti-social behavior.  More studies showed differences in research where gender is concerned.  Some exams showed that girls were more affected while others showed that boys were.  One even showed that exposure to multiple forms of violence as a child led to an increased risk of abuse as those girls became mothers. 

After Moylan and her fellow researchers finished their own study they found that girls have an increased risk for internalizing symptoms.  Boys are at higher risk for externalizing behaviors.  The research showed that children who have experienced dual exposure (witnesses of domestic violence and victims of child abuse) are automatically at a higher risk for all internal and external behavior problems.  However, this doesn’t mean that they show a higher susceptibility to those who have been exposed to one or the other.  There is no real significance between the numbers except that dual exposure means they are more likely to exhibit any of the behaviors studied.

Based on this research it will be much easier to understand and help children who come from abusive situations.  We will know how the child exhibits their reaction to the experience based on the information gathered in multiple studies and can then take action.  We can set up programs that help boys deal with their anger by providing physical activities like boxing or jiu jitsu that demand discipline as well as strength.  We can keep our eyes on the girls and look for subtle signs of internal struggling.  We can then involve them in activities that help them express themselves like free house play or drawing.

Thoughts on Chapter 4 of Why Does He Do That

No abuser is ever the same because each makes their own choices on their behavior.  While there are differences, some basic similarities are assaults on a woman’s self-esteem, undermining her independence, controlling behavior, and disrespect.   An abuser can show these characteristics in different ways depending on what he finds is useful and to his advantage. 

One “kind” of abuser is the Demand Man where he makes the woman feel as though she will never be good enough and that she owes him things even when he hasn’t done anything to deserve them.  He reacts violently if anything is demanded of him and will always twist the fights to reflect his needs and your responsibilities.  Mr. Right is another version of an abusive man and often acts as though the woman needs saving from herself.  He twists her words to make her sound idiotic and makes her question her mental abilities.  Another is the Water Torturer who gives a constant dose of low-level emotional assaults that cause the woman massive psychological harm.  He is methodical, careful, and calm while he is abusing the woman.  The Drill Sergeant is also a face of abuse by ensuring that no one is able to be close to the woman.  He is jealous yet participates in affairs because his main concern is possession not fidelity.

The fifth “kind” of abuser is Mr. Sensitive who is very open and confident in sharing and expressing his emotions.  He initially seems like an ally that the women can rely on but quickly becomes an enemy as he blames the woman for any dissatisfaction in life and shows that only his emotions matter.  The Player is only interested in having sex and making women fight over him.  He refuses forms of commitment because he resents loss of freedom.  He is irresponsible, callous, verbally abusive, and sees women only has playthings.  Rambo likes the feeling of intimidating people and creating fear.  He will not tolerate weakness, frailty, or indecision.  He starts the relationship by being the protector but soon uncovers his lack of respect for women and superiority above them.  The Victim pulls at heart strings by sharing stories of how he was abused that are mostly fictional.  He is completely self-centered in relationships and manipulative because everyone is doing wrongs to him.  He makes it seem like the woman is the abusive one.

The Terrorist loves to maintain control and make demands.  He is not above making threats on the woman’s life because he loves to cause pain and fear through cruelty.  The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser is someone who uses their illness and addiction to manipulate and control the woman.  They are selfish, don’t care about how others are affected, and unable to accept their own faults.

Knowing the different sides of an abuser will help me come up with a general plan of action for the abused to escape the violence.  I will be able to identify the characteristics of the abuser and label him in a way that can be used for treatment and protection of the abused.

Thoughts on Chapter 5 of Why Does He Do That

It’s very easy as a woman to mistake the signs of abuse as signs of his caring and adoration.  Abusive men are attentive, conscientious, and committed but they are also controlling, possessive, and self-centered.  While abusive men don’t initially plan on becoming abusive, they resort to abuse as they lose control.  They often set women up to high standards and begin berating them when they don’t live up to those standards.  They start to blame the woman for anything wrong with the relationship and has double standards so you never can do anything right. 

These and other signs move you into an abusive realm that is harder to leave when you are more deeply involved.  Now he retaliates against your complaining and makes you feel guilty for not accepting his insincere apologies.  You are the reason for his behavior changes and he doesn’t have to own up to what he’s done.  He’ll cut you off from your dreams and put fear in your heart.  He will exhibit this behavior in patterns as he exploits the imbalance of power to control you.

I really think that this chapter did a great job of explaining some warning signs in clear and concise ways.  I understand better what men can do in a relationship to push it to the extreme.  Knowing these signs and when the behaviors take a nasty allows me to help those around me who may not know.  I can share some of the red flags that are occasionally disguised as desirable qualities.  I can inform others about when a behavior crosses over into abuse so they are more aware.  I think that this line can be hard to identify because nonabusive individuals can express these same actions.  If I can bring awareness to the power retaining conduct, then women who may be susceptible can take proper action.

I can also help them make decisions about what to do once they are in a relationship that they suspect to be abusive.  I can introduce them to different hotlines and community sponsored programs that can help them take control of their lives once again.


http://lundybancroft.blogspot.com/

When Words Are Not Enough: The Search For The Effect of Pornography On Abused Women

http://vaw.sagepub.com/content/10/1/56.abstract

This article started out talking about what the definition of sexual abuse is and how it affects the women who experience it.  After talking a little about its affects, the author went straight into talking about how pornography might be influencing men’s behaviors when they are abusing women.  Men who view pornography are more likely to become aggressive, especially if they are angry by nature.  Pornography produces greater harm in women who are battered compared to women who aren’t.  This was proven by Bergen who found that in wife rape, men who used pornography were committing more sadistic rapes.  Pornography in general makes men think that women want to be taken, violated, and subdued.  This compounds when sexually abusive men view it because they are convinced that women really do want those things; that the woman’s resistance is in preparation for what women want.  The porn doesn’t even have to be violent!  Both nonviolent and violent porn increases sexual aggression and behavioral aggression. 

While these are all true about how pornography affects a man, individual and situational factors have to be considered because not all men respond in the same way.  Personality traits and emotional state are factors that can affect how porn makes a man respond.  Disinhibitors like alcohol also exacerbate sexually violent behavior.  Because there is a variation, a study was done and they found that there was no significant difference between having alcohol and looking at porn and looking at porn or drinking on their own.  The results suggested that porn creates more means of abusing a women who is already abused.  If there is a long-lasting physically abusive relationship, it is more likely that there has been some sexual violence as well.  A woman who experiences abuse growing up is more likely to be sexually abused in the future.

I was shocked at one side effect of being abused—the greater risk of being murdered or murdering their abusers.  I didn’t realize that sexual abuse could distress a woman so much that she might consider murder as an option to release the pain.  Because it talked about the side effects, my mind immediately wondered why we don’t ask abused women if their partner looks at porn and if they are being sexually abused.  It seems to me that these are two important questions that can more fully explain an abusive situation.  I might not be working all the time with abused women but I can remember this article and ask more questions if I need to.

Thoughts on Chapter 2 of Why Does He Do That

This was really interesting to read because I have never even thought about some of the things that Lundy has mentioned.  He talked about how the men who abuse are not interested in changing their behavior and often make women feel that they are the crazy ones.  They seek sympathy in a very selfish way by blaming anything for their behavior.  They allow their feelings to bottle up inside of them and then give themselves permission to explode and go beyond what the normal angry person would.  Most of these men do not have psychological problems or deeper, more passionate feelings.  Their only difference is that they seek to always be the center of attention and manipulate the situations around them so they can “do their worst”.  They are completely cognitive and clear-headed when they are abusing the victim and can even stop themselves from going “too far”.  

It seems to Lundy that these men have confused ideas about what is right and what is wrong because they know that doing things to others is bad but they justify their behavior with their partners.  The abuse doesn’t even have to happen when they are angry.  They use their manipulation and lying to put the victim in a false sense of security and then they lash out in the way that will hurt most.  This isn’t their way of pushing from intimacy because abusive men are neither afraid or abandonment nor intimacy, they only have an abusive mind.  This mind can be pushed to the extreme by alcohol, drugs, or mental illnesses but, upon solving these other problems, the men still exhibit abusive thinking and behaviors.

I found this extremely enlightening and I think that being aware of the truth will help me better understand those who suffer and those that inflict the suffering.  I hadn’t realized how aware abusers are of their actions and this changes how I view them.  I’m quite confident that if I ever need to help any women with understanding an abuser, I’ll know enough that I can explain the man’s thought process.  It seems to me that the likelihood of Lundy being correct is more than men being the victims or not knowing what they’re doing.  I hope that I can remember these few, simple truths so I can help women on the path of healing and understanding. 

http://www.lundybancroft.com/

What You Might Want To Know About Domestic Violence

I am currently taking a Domestic Violence class and I've been thinking that the information is really important and should be shared.

I would also like to recommend that those who are interested in learning more or who are abused should read the book Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.  This book has been a sort of "textbook" for this course and has so much to say on abuse and many resources that can be used.

Crises and Coping

To start out this week's topic, I'd like to introduce Hill's A+B+C=X Model.

The A stands for "Actual Event".  The B stands for "Both Available Resources and the Application of Resources".  The C stands for "Cognition (thought process)".  The X stands for "eXperience"

This model is useful in identifying how a family reacts to a crisis.  A Crisis is defined as "a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life" but we'll replace "person" with "family".  The A+B+C=X model is a great way to measure a family's reaction to a circumstance because each family is different and this equation allows for differences.

For example, my husband and I have been married for a year and a half and have known each other for three years.  From the moment we met I've been sick with an undiagnosed illness.  We started our relationship while I was sick and I am still sick with this illness.  We can take a snap shot of right now and analyze how my family is dealing with this illness.

• The A is the undiagnosed illness.  
• For B David and I have money, health insurance, doctors, medicine, both of our extended families, friends, and our ward.  We have consistently applied health insurance, medicine, and extended families.  We haven't utilized our friends or ward very much and have visited doctors off and on since I've been sick.  
• Our C has been more of a roller coaster.  Some days I'm feeling a little better and can get things done but then I feel sick again.  I get discouraged because I want my quality of life to increase substantially but it never does.  I have my moments of hope, though, and I try to stay as positive as I can until I can't stand it.  David tries to look on the bright side and lift me when I'm feeling down.  He often reminds me that "this too shall pass" and I won't suffer forever.  
• Our eXperience has been different than others that I've heard of or even how it was before he and I became close.  I think the biggest change has been our outlook on the whole situation.  I used to feel very held back by my illness and I couldn't see how I could enjoy life.  David changed that mindset for me and has helped me maintain it.  I still suffer from illness but I am not nearly as sad, hopeless, or useless as I once was.

Do you see how the model works?  The beautiful thing about it is that it can be applied to any number of crises.  Some examples of crises are death, infidelity, divorce, loss of job, domestic violence, substance abuse, war, natural disasters, and even a child leaving the faith of his youth.  All of these situations can be different for each family even if they experience the same Actual Event.

So how can crises help a family?

In Chinese, the symbols for crisis mean danger and opportunity.  A Crisis demands that there be a change in the system whether it's positive or negative.  A stressor/crisis that comes from outside the family most often brings the family together.  Think of the movie Impossible that just came out.  It's about a family that is torn apart when a tsunami hits.  The entire plot of the movie is their efforts to be reunited as a family once more.  

On the other hand, a stressor/crisis that comes from inside the family is more likely to tear a family apart.  For example, my husband's father cheated on his wife multiple times and they were unable to restore the relationship.  His parents got a divorce and they live in separate cities now.  There is no communication between parents and tolerated communication between my husband and his siblings and their father.

In both of these examples, there was a certain amount of danger that prompted some kind of opportunity and action.  There is a possibility in families to make positive changes despite what the Actual Event is.  By having a stockpile of resources and a healthy outlook on change, families can safely navigate any situation, including those that come from within.  A family that uses its resources to the fullest and seeks a positive, realistic thought process will have great success in using a crisis to gain a positive outcome.

Without stress we tend to be very weak.

How weak will we allow our family to be?

Who Knows Best?

I'd like to take a moment to talk about how to teach children about sex and intimacy.

It is my personal belief that parents should be the direct source of what children learn about sex.  I feel that it is the parent's responsibility to create responsible citizens and this is a facet of that responsibility.  While I have no children of my own, I did have parents, and I saw how daunting it was to talk to me about sex and being close to someone emotionally.  This topic is a hard thing to talk about!  However, I think there is a way to approach this sensitive but important topic.

As you've read before, I'm a member of the Mormon faith and we believe that sexual relations are sacred and meant for husbands and wives.  It is my understanding that the act of sex is there to help build the bonds that tie man and woman together emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  Intimacy creates opportunities to learn to work together, to learn consideration and concern for others, to feel loved and supported, and to become "one flesh" (Genesis 2:24) and "one heart and one mind" (Moses 7:18).

If this is what sexual intimacy is meant to be, how do we teach that to our children?  How can we share our beliefs and the truths that we've experienced with love-making and intimacy in a respectful way that they can understand?

There is one way that seems to come up more and more and that is outsourcing the teaching of intimacy and sex to organizations and groups who come up with a curriculum and a method of teaching.  While this may seem appealing, I feel that it will be to our detriment.  Check out these articles:  http://www.nbcnewyork.com/news/local/mandatory-sex-ed-curriculum-new-york-city-public-schools-132404248.html?dr  and http://www.nytimes.com/2011/10/19/opinion/does-sex-ed-undermine-parental-rights.html?_r=2&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1383886701-LIM78vEDjFFUpfKMeO6nRQ.  This is an actual plan for teaching kids about sex and I think it lacks the proper training in the beauty and love that is meant when a person has sex.  Would you want your children going through these classes at school?

There is another way.  My Church has published a parent's guide to when and how to bring up sexual intimacy.  It is fairly detailed and informative.  I've read it before and found some of the ideas interesting and helpful.  Here is the link:  http://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide.  This isn't a strictly Christian approach to helping children and teens understand sex, it is a respectful and thoughtful way of presenting something that should mean more than a good time.

Intimacy is the growth of two people in the same direction.  It is the entwining of hearts and minds.  Sex is meant to build, uplift, solidify, and enhance a marriage relationship.  Isn't that what we want our children to know?

Why do people get married? Isn't that the question?

Most people say that they get married for a number of reasons.  Here is a list of what we came up with in my Family Relations class:

deep care and affection

intimacy

love

religion

family

happiness

social expectation

companionship

potential to become better

logical

shared life experiences

We felt that this list covered a variety of indicators that people take into account when they want to commit to someone for life.  Are there any that you would add?

Once you've found someone that you think you want to pursue a relationship with it's important to get to know them on deeper levels.  The following questions can help you see where you stand on different points and give you a closer look at your future one-and-only.

Questions to ask a potential spouse:

1. How will last names change after marriage?  Will the wife take the husband's name or will they hyphenate their names?
2. How will you divide labor in the home?  In the workplace?
3. Will you have children?  How many?  When?
4. How will you divide up the childcare responsibilities?
5. What kind of discipline will you use?
6. How will you decide where to live?  Will it be based on family or work?
7. Who will be the breadwinner?
8. How will financial decisions be made?
9. What will be your relationship with extended family?
10. How will you observe holidays?
11. How will you address frustrations or concerns?
12. Whose opinion will weigh more in a discussion?
13. How will you change things if they aren't working?

When do you start asking these questions?

• During Courtship(exclusive dating) and engagement.  These are the times when you are delving deeper into understanding a person.  You want to find out where you match up and how much you are willing to accommodate for the other.
• Make sure you reevaluate and ask these questions often.  Sometimes the answers change!
• Remember that marriage is about compromises and working together.

Having these questions answered before entering a marriage is a useful step in avoiding disagreements and surprises once you are marriage.  Many of these questions come up in one way or another during the first year of marriage and can often cause rifts in a relationship.  By being proactive beforehand, you are able to avoid these disagreements before they even happen.

Dating: Do or Don't But Here Are The Facts

There has been so much this week that has gotten me excited!

What is dating?

Dating is a time to get to know someone and increase intimacy with them.  Usually, when we think of dating we think of boyfriends and girlfriends who are exclusively spending time together.  However, there is a earlier form of dating that is often ignored.  This dating involves going on dates with a variety of people without choosing one person in particular.  These dates are meant for initiating relationships and enjoying people's company.  They involve less commitment because you aren't singling off but, at the same time, they allow you to become more certain of what you might actually want in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend and eventually a husband or wife.

These dates, and those in exclusive relationships, implement three P's for dating.  The first one is that a date is planned.  This means that time and effort and thought were put into making the date worthwhile.  Planning a date also allows the two individuals involved to see the dynamics of presiding over an activity or potentially a family.  When a woman can see that a man is willing to take the lead and oversee an event, she feels taken care of, important(especially if he's taken her into account), and at peace because she doesn't have to stress.

The next P is paid for which makes sense because most dates now involve some kind of money.  I personally prefer when the man pays for things because it makes me feel provided for, although I recognize that some women like to pay.  One of the things that women want from a potential husband or life partner is financial security.  We want him to be dependable and industrious so there is no question in our minds that he will be able to take care of us.

The final P is paired off which shows that the man is willing to protect us.  Being paired off shows this because of his willingness to be held responsible for us.  Think about the dates you've been on where the guy picks you up and you drive somewhere.  He hopefully drives safely and does his best to make you feel safe while he's driving.  Another example would be going to a haunted house with a group of dates.  You will rely on him more than someone else to help you when you get scared.  Both of these example show that women want to feel cared for and safe.


Why is dating important?

When I think about why dating is important I think of a number of stories, both fictional and nonfictional, where two people are married to one another without knowing each other before hand.  In some cases, the parents have arranged the marriages with the best intentions for the children but, in others, the parents do it for political or social reasons.  Most individuals who are subject to arranged marriages start their marriages as strangers and have to navigate through married life and get to know each other at the same time.  Sometimes these marriages never become happy ones while others slowly blossom into something beautiful.
Most of us, however, will not have to participate in an arranged marriage and therefore need the time before marriage to better understand one another.  Dating, both a variety and exclusively, gives a chance to understand others AND to understand ourselves.  Without dating, there is a very real possibility that we don't know the person or ourselves well enough.  We need to utilize the time we have to see a person in many different lights so we can see who and what they are.  This is also true for ourselves.  We never know ourselves better than when we're allowing experiences to show our true colors.

One caveat that I'd like to add here is that there will always be something to know or to learn about someone else or ourselves.  We shouldn't put off the other stages that lead to marriage, like courtship and engagement, because we are afraid we don't know the person all the way.  Everyone changes with each passing day and the task of knowing EVERYTHING about a person is an unrealistic expectation before marriage.  Understanding and knowing a person on deeper and deeper levels comes with time and commitment which are best displayed in marriage.

Gender Roles

This week was very eye opening because of how gender roles affect people.  It seems that through the world's eyes gender stereotypes adults and children.  If someone takes on more feminine qualities they better be a girl or else they are gay.  If someone takes on masculine qualities they better be a boy or the not-so-terrible tomboy.  Because the world has these beliefs it is sometimes hard for people in the middle to feel that they are acceptable.  They often feel like they need to change to fit into these roles when all of us are individual and unique.  Our Father made us that way and created roles so we can complement and better one another.  We are not meant to fill each other's roles.  How beautiful it would be to have a sensitive and emotionally-savvy protector and provider?  How fun would it be to have a tomboy nurturer?  People whose personalities fill a myriad of roles are just as useful, competent, reliable, and desirable as those who fit perfectly into the defined roles.  

 

On a slightly related not, when we were studying about Same-Sex Attraction(SSA), I kept hearing that these men just wanted to feel accepted by men and make male connections.  This led me to thinking that it's so important to maintain a "masculine" and a "feminine" instead of trying to blend everyone into a unisex gender role.  These men said that when they were accepted by the masculine men, they felt a change come over them.  They felt important and one with a group that had previously reviled them.  They came into contact with "warm", masculine men who were willing to include and interact with them even though they were not the stereotypical guy.

We watched a really fascinating video that focused on men who have unwanted SSA.  It really made an impression on me because I have never had a lot of experience with SSA individuals.  This video came from their perspectives and really helped me see.

http://vimeo.com/71799175