Fatherhood

I found this wonderful article called “The Hidden Benefits of Being an Involved Father” on Education.com written by Garret D. Evans that very nicely outlined the benefits of fatherhood and who they benefit.  This article was split into four sections and I will follow these sections as I talk about what I read.

Benefits for Children

            Fathers who are involved produce higher scores on cognition tests for their children than uninvolved fathers.  Their children are considered smarter and more successful in school because their father is involved.  Being an involved father means that the father is taking action in everything from play to childcare to being there for his child.  Children who have a father like this are more likely to head to college, have greater success in their career, and exhibit “positive child characteristics such as empathy, self-esteem, self-control, psychological well-being, social competence, and life skills” (Evans).

Benefits for Children with Non-resident Fathers

            We know from other studies that divorce has a huge impact on the family, one of which is often the separation of children from their father geographically.  However, this does not mean that fathers should give up contact entirely.  In this article, Evans discusses the benefits that children have from having a dad who maintains contact even if he isn’t living with them.  These kids still have higher grades than kids who have uninvolved fathers.  They have better social skills because they learn to make friends more easily and deal with difficult social interactions.  Children who live separated from their father but stay in contact don’t have as many behavioral problems including those inside the home.  These children, especially the daughters, also have “fewer mental health problems as adults” (Evans).  Fathers are important in a child’s life no matter what the circumstances are.

Benefits for the Family

            Fathers don’t just help their children.  Having them in the home can best display loving and nurturing relationships between spouses/parents.  There is often better communication between family members and the father because he is obviously involved.  There is less distressing conflict with teenage children because there is a solidified relationship between the father and the child.  There is also a greater sense of commitment and harmony in the family when the father is involved.

Benefits for Fathers

             Fathers also benefit from being involved which is wonderful because the best things in life should help everyone.  Fathers seem to be more comfortable and more successful in their work.  They are confidence in their ability to do well at work, in parenting, and in social relationships.  Fathers who are interested and engaged in their family relationships find that they have secure attachments with their children and feel that they can rely on others for help.  They also report an easier time in coping with stress and life’s difficulties.

http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Hidden_Benefits/

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/usermanuals/fatherhood/chaptertwo.cfm

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/06/15/fathers-day-question-do-most-men-really-want-to-be-dads-survey-says/

Making Decisions as a Couple

In every intimate relationship there are times when decisions must be made.  There are many processes that people use to make decisions.  Some involve the misuse of power over the others to override their decision-making skills.  Others involve making no decisions and shutting down communication.  However, there is a happy medium that can be found.  Each person can maintain their "power" and still communicate.  Decisions can be made as the two people come together.

Making decisions is not necessarily about finding a compromise.  Compromises are interesting because they involve one person giving in to the other, whether we want to view it that way or not.  When my husband, David, and I come together, I often feel like I'm giving in.  Granted, sometimes I do give in because I love him.  However, that isn't always the case.  Sometimes I want to avoid a fight or just don't have a solid opinion.

Consensus, on the other hand, is about seeking an outcome that satisfies everyone.  No one is meant to feel cheated or undermined when a consensus is reached.  Consensus involves discussion, working through something until all the bits fit together to suit everyone.  There is a joint decision that takes in the opinions and voices of everyone who is involved.  This is the ideal way to come to a decision.

Stephen R. Covey wrote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and his fourth step is "Think Win-Win".  This is the same idea as consensus in that it seeks for cooperation and interaction between people.  Mutual benefit is the end goal and a person strives for integrity, maturity, and an abundance mentality(plenty for everyone).  Remembering our need to be honest with ourselves and with others while expressing ourselves in an orderly fashion is what helps the Win-Win to be so effective.

Russell M. Ballard, a theologian and spiritual leader from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, has explained how couples can be successful in communicating and making decisions.  First, express love and appreciation before even starting.  This lets the couple recognize that each one is important and has something to offer.  It reminds them that they can contribute too because they are appreciated and loved.  Then, pray for the Holy Ghost to descend and lend understanding.  This is important for Christians because we often want to know the will of the Lord on different matters.
Next, be methodical in your approach.  Don't skip corners and stick to boundaries.  Some families/couples get creative and have a talking stick while others just let the person speak without interruption.  It's important to take turns and really listen to what the other is saying.  Be open and honest with one another while still keeping the discussion a discussion.  Don't let hurt feelings or passion shut down the paths of communication.  It's important to keep the lines open and let understanding reign.  Close with a prayer and then continue to build a relationship through talking about other things, expressing more love, or even eating some food.

By following this method and remembering what we know about consensus and compromise, we can make better decisions as a couple in the future.

God's Not Dead

This is a trailer for a movie that looks really great!  I love the story line and the need that this movie will fill in reminding us that God is involved in our lives.  As a Christian, this movie helps me feel courageous and makes me want to share what I believe about God.

God's Not Dead

God's Not Dead: The Song that Inspired the Movie

I know that God is a kind and merciful God whose deepest desire is to bless and love us.  He asks us to do our best in this life and prove our love for Him.  Without God, it is impossible for us to obtain everlasting life.  He sent His son, Jesus Christ to suffer all of our pains, illnesses, heartaches, and afflictions so that Christ could empathize with us perfectly.  (http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/alma/7.11)  There is nothing that he doesn't understand and nothing he can't help us overcome or endure.

God, my heavenly Father, loves me.  He cares about my success.  He will not abandon me or leave me friendless.  I know that God lives!

Healing the Tragic Scars of Abuse with God

This is an article written by a Christian theologian.  I found his remarks to be deep and pertinent.

http://www.lds.org/ensign/1992/05/healing-the-tragic-scars-of-abuse

There is a need for the victim to seek complete recovery from abuse in a way that includes the Lord.  Elder Scott has said “unless healed by the Lord, mental, physical, or sexual abuse can cause you serious, enduring consequences.”  If left untreated, these consequences can span from blaming life on others or one’s self to deep emotions like hatred and anger. 

The first step that can be taken towards changing this outcome of unhappiness is recognizing that another person’s unrighteous choices are affecting your life.  This can help a victim understand and cope with their temporary restriction of freedom.  There is always a choice in something that happens to the victim and that is the choice to overcome the results of the abuse.  Controlling one’s thoughts and attitude can make a world of difference as the victim seeks to find opportunities within eternal laws. They can then turn to the gospel and the priesthood to find complete relief. 

                Turning to the bishop is an option for those who have been subjected to abuse.  He is an instrument of God in helping the soul heal.  He can guide us along a path of doctrinal application and deeper understanding of how Heavenly Father works on our behalf.  He can help victims regain self-confidence and self-esteem as well as identify professionals who are best able to help.

                The victim needs to do what they can to stop the abuse and admit to any responsibility in allowing it to happen if there is a need.  Both the victim and the abuser can need forgiveness and forgiveness is available to all who are involved.  The victim also needs to stay away from revenge.  Revenge will not change what happened but will only deepen the cuts.  Trusting in what we know of the Lord as a just God can help us in fighting against our desires for retribution.

                This one was a little hard for me to apply because it seemed very focused on what the victim can do.  I guess the best way to share what I know would be to talk about it and encourage victims to seek the Lord and the gospel for healing when managing the effects of abuse.  I think it’s very easy for us to forget that Father is there to help and to bless us.  As emphasis is put on the power of God, I can help a victim approach her pain and devastation from a better outlook.  

Thoughts on Chapter 15 of Why Does He Do That

https://www.facebook.com/LundyBancroft

This chapter talked about what people can do to empower a victim and spread awareness on domestic violence.  One way that people close to a victim can help is by helping them break out of the thought vortex.  Women in abusive situations often lose sight of what’s truly important because they are so worried about the abuser and how they can make him happy.  The first step is to turn your attention back onto what matters:  you and your children.  One way that the woman can do this is by keeping a journal that talks about her and also documents when he’s doing something that makes her crazy.  This allows the victim to see who she really is and recognize what he is really doing. 

When you are trying to help a victim as an third party, it’s important to not be like an abuser.  This means that you need to consciously make her feel like an equal and let her know that she is in charge.  The abused woman understands the situation better than you do and she needs your patience as she works to navigate through it safely and successfully.  We need to respect her by listening more because it allows her to exert herself and be in control, something she isn’t used to doing with the abuser.  The best measure for success as a third party is helping the woman feel like she has the right to be in charge of her life and helping her think of and implement strategies to make her safe.

The hardest part about being outside of the abuse cycle is helping the victim realize that she is being abused.  It’s important to remember that ultimately she is the one who needs to take action but that she won’t be able to do it alone when the time comes.  You need to stay in her life or at least make it obvious that you are there to help her.  Being a genuine friend is a great way to do this because you show sincere interest and love for her.  She can trust you in emergencies and knows you will treat her well. 

I found this chapter very emboldening because it gave me the desire to stand up and fight against domestic violence.  I want to be involved in everything and learn more so I can teach others about it.  I loved the idea of being trained as a counselor for abusers or for the victim because it allows you to deal one on one with the people who are caught up in domestic violence.  This chapter really just got me excited to share what I know and do more to help those who suffer from domestic violence.

A Minority But No Less Important

Same-sex relationships are often underrepresented in domestic violence data.  I found this story online and decided to share it with you.

http://gmdvp.org/curts-story/

Gary had grown up with a violent atmosphere and was familiar and susceptible to drug abuse and violence.  Gary made Curt feel important and loved.  He gave him purpose in his coming out and made him happy. 

Gary wasn’t the typical abuser because he was also violent to a third party who wasn’t in a relationship with him.  However, this backfired because he was so drunk he couldn’t really do any harm to the coworker. 

Gary was manipulative to Curt, making him miss time with friends, keeping him from ending the relationship, and bouncing back and forth between loving and abusing. 

The relationship really took a turn for the worst when Gary tried to rape Curt on Thanksgiving.  He was threatened with death and managed to talk and soothe his way out of it.  Curt went into hiding by relying on his co-workers and boss for shelter.  He was provided with a month and a half’s time off with paid salary and was able to make his life better again.  Curt maintained contact with Gary intermittently until Gary committed suicide a year and a half after they broke up. 

I was surprised at Curt’s presence of mind when Gary was threatening to kill him.  He calculated how much of a chance he had of escaping and decided it would be better to be let go than to make a run for it.  I think this made a big difference in how the experience played out because it potentially saved his life.  Had he tried to run from Gary, I’m convinced, as was Curt, that Gary would have gone too far and killed him.  His cleverness and calmness that he used to convince Gary that he wouldn’t leave was a great step in easing the tension and interrupting the cycle.

I was also surprised by the fact that there were no shelters that Curt could go to in order to get help.  It seems to me that a men’s shelter should take all men in but, if there is no men’s shelter, there should be segregated quarters of a woman’s shelter to accommodate the few men that come for help.  I was also disappointed by the response of the therapy center.  I think there should be some kind of patient crisis alternatives to protect the patient in dangerous situations.  How is he supposed to get help from professionals if they are unwilling to accommodate him?

I especially liked that he had such a strong support system that he could rely on.  Most victims seem to be cut off from their friends and family so I thought that this was a blessing.  If Curt hadn’t had understanding friends or a supportive boss, he might not have had the same fortunate outcome as he did.

The Effects of Child Abuse and Exposure to Domestic Violence on Adolescent Internalizing and Externalizing Behavior Problems

http://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10896-009-9269-9

Most children who have seen domestic violence at any degree have experienced child abuse as well.  This study by Moylan and her group was designed to answer the question:  “Do children who experience exposure to both domestic violence and child abuse have more negative externalized and internalized problems than children who experience one, the other, or neither?”  They knew from previous studies that teens who were abused as children, especially girls, were more likely to experience depression and other internalizing problems.  These children were also more susceptible to externalized behaviors like delinquency and violence.  The all had lower self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and exhibited anti-social behavior.  More studies showed differences in research where gender is concerned.  Some exams showed that girls were more affected while others showed that boys were.  One even showed that exposure to multiple forms of violence as a child led to an increased risk of abuse as those girls became mothers. 

After Moylan and her fellow researchers finished their own study they found that girls have an increased risk for internalizing symptoms.  Boys are at higher risk for externalizing behaviors.  The research showed that children who have experienced dual exposure (witnesses of domestic violence and victims of child abuse) are automatically at a higher risk for all internal and external behavior problems.  However, this doesn’t mean that they show a higher susceptibility to those who have been exposed to one or the other.  There is no real significance between the numbers except that dual exposure means they are more likely to exhibit any of the behaviors studied.

Based on this research it will be much easier to understand and help children who come from abusive situations.  We will know how the child exhibits their reaction to the experience based on the information gathered in multiple studies and can then take action.  We can set up programs that help boys deal with their anger by providing physical activities like boxing or jiu jitsu that demand discipline as well as strength.  We can keep our eyes on the girls and look for subtle signs of internal struggling.  We can then involve them in activities that help them express themselves like free house play or drawing.