Making Decisions as a Couple

In every intimate relationship there are times when decisions must be made.  There are many processes that people use to make decisions.  Some involve the misuse of power over the others to override their decision-making skills.  Others involve making no decisions and shutting down communication.  However, there is a happy medium that can be found.  Each person can maintain their "power" and still communicate.  Decisions can be made as the two people come together.

Making decisions is not necessarily about finding a compromise.  Compromises are interesting because they involve one person giving in to the other, whether we want to view it that way or not.  When my husband, David, and I come together, I often feel like I'm giving in.  Granted, sometimes I do give in because I love him.  However, that isn't always the case.  Sometimes I want to avoid a fight or just don't have a solid opinion.

Consensus, on the other hand, is about seeking an outcome that satisfies everyone.  No one is meant to feel cheated or undermined when a consensus is reached.  Consensus involves discussion, working through something until all the bits fit together to suit everyone.  There is a joint decision that takes in the opinions and voices of everyone who is involved.  This is the ideal way to come to a decision.

Stephen R. Covey wrote The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People and his fourth step is "Think Win-Win".  This is the same idea as consensus in that it seeks for cooperation and interaction between people.  Mutual benefit is the end goal and a person strives for integrity, maturity, and an abundance mentality(plenty for everyone).  Remembering our need to be honest with ourselves and with others while expressing ourselves in an orderly fashion is what helps the Win-Win to be so effective.

Russell M. Ballard, a theologian and spiritual leader from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, has explained how couples can be successful in communicating and making decisions.  First, express love and appreciation before even starting.  This lets the couple recognize that each one is important and has something to offer.  It reminds them that they can contribute too because they are appreciated and loved.  Then, pray for the Holy Ghost to descend and lend understanding.  This is important for Christians because we often want to know the will of the Lord on different matters.
Next, be methodical in your approach.  Don't skip corners and stick to boundaries.  Some families/couples get creative and have a talking stick while others just let the person speak without interruption.  It's important to take turns and really listen to what the other is saying.  Be open and honest with one another while still keeping the discussion a discussion.  Don't let hurt feelings or passion shut down the paths of communication.  It's important to keep the lines open and let understanding reign.  Close with a prayer and then continue to build a relationship through talking about other things, expressing more love, or even eating some food.

By following this method and remembering what we know about consensus and compromise, we can make better decisions as a couple in the future.