Thoughts on Chapter 4 of Why Does He Do That

No abuser is ever the same because each makes their own choices on their behavior.  While there are differences, some basic similarities are assaults on a woman’s self-esteem, undermining her independence, controlling behavior, and disrespect.   An abuser can show these characteristics in different ways depending on what he finds is useful and to his advantage. 

One “kind” of abuser is the Demand Man where he makes the woman feel as though she will never be good enough and that she owes him things even when he hasn’t done anything to deserve them.  He reacts violently if anything is demanded of him and will always twist the fights to reflect his needs and your responsibilities.  Mr. Right is another version of an abusive man and often acts as though the woman needs saving from herself.  He twists her words to make her sound idiotic and makes her question her mental abilities.  Another is the Water Torturer who gives a constant dose of low-level emotional assaults that cause the woman massive psychological harm.  He is methodical, careful, and calm while he is abusing the woman.  The Drill Sergeant is also a face of abuse by ensuring that no one is able to be close to the woman.  He is jealous yet participates in affairs because his main concern is possession not fidelity.

The fifth “kind” of abuser is Mr. Sensitive who is very open and confident in sharing and expressing his emotions.  He initially seems like an ally that the women can rely on but quickly becomes an enemy as he blames the woman for any dissatisfaction in life and shows that only his emotions matter.  The Player is only interested in having sex and making women fight over him.  He refuses forms of commitment because he resents loss of freedom.  He is irresponsible, callous, verbally abusive, and sees women only has playthings.  Rambo likes the feeling of intimidating people and creating fear.  He will not tolerate weakness, frailty, or indecision.  He starts the relationship by being the protector but soon uncovers his lack of respect for women and superiority above them.  The Victim pulls at heart strings by sharing stories of how he was abused that are mostly fictional.  He is completely self-centered in relationships and manipulative because everyone is doing wrongs to him.  He makes it seem like the woman is the abusive one.

The Terrorist loves to maintain control and make demands.  He is not above making threats on the woman’s life because he loves to cause pain and fear through cruelty.  The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser is someone who uses their illness and addiction to manipulate and control the woman.  They are selfish, don’t care about how others are affected, and unable to accept their own faults.

Knowing the different sides of an abuser will help me come up with a general plan of action for the abused to escape the violence.  I will be able to identify the characteristics of the abuser and label him in a way that can be used for treatment and protection of the abused.